by michelle on October 1, 2012

A friend and I were having a heart-to-heart today about relationships, families, work, life.

After talking about the challenges and joys of each, my friend remarked, As long as I mostly want to do it, I figure that’s enough.

Her comment made me laugh out loud. It was such a real thing to say.

I mostly want to be in a relationship with you.
I mostly want to do this work.
I mostly want to be on the path of self awareness.

And… some of the time I don’t.

The presence of one doesn’t negate the other. Contradictory emotions can exist simultaneously.

This is somewhat of a let-down.

My conditioned script says if it’s right, I should have no doubts. I should be 100% in, sure, committed.

But friends, that’s just not true.

Sometimes I have no motivation to work and I think I should get a corporate job again.
Sometimes I want to hide under a rock and avoid relationships of any kind.
Sometimes I want to check out and pretend I don’t know how to take care of myself.

Mostly, though, I am passionate about my work, I cherish my relationships, and I know what I need for my well being.

The bigger let-down.

More scary than having doubt about something is thinking I should never have doubt about it, and then when doubt (undoubtably) arises, thinking it means something is wrong.

And maybe something is wrong, so it’s important to pay attention.

Is there more doubt, more trouble, more unhappiness than not?
Is my body sending me messages?
Is there something I’m not being honest about? Something I need to address? A conversation that needs to happen?

All relationships go through cycles. We have to get very quiet and very still and listen. Listen well.

Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe I’m just learning how to be human with other people trying to figure out what it means to be human, which is vulnerable and messy in a world of duality and contradiction.

(Oh, this learning to be human. Sometimes it makes me want to be a unicorn. But mostly I want to be human.)

Today I think there is no “perfect” anything. No always, never, forever, 100% guarantee.

And isn’t that the beauty of it?  Mmmm, mostly.



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