hard to let go

by michelle on March 28, 2013

cboyshadow

This past weekend I made a decision to rehome my horse, Cowboy.

It’s been a difficult decision — I love him very much, but I have not made the time to spend with him as he needs and deserves.

Giving him to a new family who will give him love and attention is the “right” thing to do.

I thought finding the perfect family for him and finally deciding would feel better… and yet, it’s still hard.  As tears were streaming down my face this weekend, a friend said to me,

“Letting go is hard, even when it’s time. Even when it’s the right thing to do.”

Which made me think of my best girl, and how still, 10 months later, my heart weeps every time I think of letter her go.

It makes me think of all the changes that have happened recently and how even if it’s “for the best” or “right,” loss is difficult, change can be paralyzing.

I know some things can’t be fixed, and that might be the hardest part… to just let them be—sad, disappointed, angry, grieving, confused. Because not letting them be, fighting against them, is like shadow boxing — pointless and exhausting.

So this, too, I hold lightly. I open my hand and let the rope slide through.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Rebekah March 29, 2013 at 12:25 am

hauntingly beautiful post… <3

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Deborah March 29, 2013 at 6:13 am

Every time my dear husband says “letting go” he follows it with a hand motion where his fingers open up and his hand stretched out. Your entry touched me this morning and I doubt there’s anyone reading this who won’t feel the same pang of pain.

So-long Cowboy.

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Liz March 29, 2013 at 9:08 am

Michelle, you have been so strong. When I think about all the things you have let go of in the recent times, I am in awe of your strength and spirit. You are still standing, or maybe as Cheryl Strayed writes in her memoir “Wild,” at least in a “hunched, remotely upright position.” (If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend it, it’s friggin’ hilarious and who doesn’t need a good laugh right now?:) I’m keeping you in my thoughts and heart. I really want to make it to Octopus Yoga next weekend but it’s my first week back at work this week so I’ll have to see how it goes….I might just need to spend the whole day in bed instead!

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Michelle Johnston April 1, 2013 at 9:49 pm

I don’t know what to say, other than…big hugs to you.

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